“Love” isn’t so narrowly defined as most people think.
I just had an interesting conversation with one of my friends about the nature of love, and it made me re-evaluate and remind myself as to why I’m teaching this pickup stuff.
These days, we human beings desperately need to exercise love, but perhaps not in the way that most people think.
My friend approached me asking for advice about a situation in which he felt absolutely smitten with a girl, but there were some certain conditions that would have made it extremely inconvenient for him to be in a relationship with her. He was thinking about moving to a different country; common sense tells us that long distance relationships aren’t exactly ideal.
He was already thinking about possibilities for a classic “relationship” with this girl, but he barely even knew her. They were just acquaintances with a mutual friend. I told him, “In my professional opinion, it’s pointless to think about prospects for a relationship if you haven’t already exchanged for-sure signs of mutual interest that are rooted in some form of physical intimacy. You’re thinking too far ahead, and it’s causing you needless worry.”
While he agreed that he was thinking too far ahead, the “physical intimacy” part of my advice sparked a deeper discussion.
My friend, as well as most people, tend to see romance and sexual relations as black and white. Either you’re not in a relationship and therefore not having sex, or you’re in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, and therefore having sex with the person that you love. Many consider it immoral to have sex with someone you do not love.
I used to think that people only considered loveless sex as “immoral” or “just not right” for religious reasons, but I’ve learned that that’s not exactly true. Personal experience largely indifferent to religious influences has led me to a similar conclusion. As a pickup artist, I learned time and time again that having sex with a girl too soon simply doesn’t feel as good as having sex after getting to know and appreciate her a bit. They say that women need an emotional connection to fully enjoy sex, but I think that holds true for men as well.
That being said, however, I don’t think it’s healthy for people to limit themselves by strictly categorizing conditions for love and to behave according to such categorizations. My personal experience as a pickup artist has also taught me that love comes in many different shapes and sizes, and that “no strings attached” actually means “strings of a different nature.” These different strings promise different things and come with different expectations, and many of these areas of love exist outside of conventional relationships.
Those who stop themselves from entering into some sort of romantic or sexual relationship just because they cannot imagine themselves being in a conventional relationship are robbing themselves of a valuable opportunity to learn and experience the full nature of love.
Additionally, it is arrogant of us to try and label everything like “relationship” and “open relationship” and “friends with benefits.” The real nature of love and romance is that a relationship between two lovers usually falls within a grey area between those landmarks we label. Why give it name? Just love.
My friend had no ill intentions. He didn’t want to have sex out of misogynistic spite. He wasn’t trying to bolster his ego. He didn’t want to “play” the girl he was interested in. He simply liked her.
I think that’s the best reason to make a move… even if it doesn’t end up in anything conventional.
As John Lennon once said, “We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.”
I’m no hippie but I think people need to exercise love. It’s like a muscle that none of us develop enough. We sometimes stop ourselves from loving because we are afraid that the result will be unconventional, that the type of relationship we develop with the other person will be “too complicated.”
The truth is, though, that any matters of the heart will always feel complicated. Any matters you are passionate about will always feel complicated. The only times these matters don’t feel complicated are when they aren’t even worth our time.
So, start working out those “love muscles” more by fearlessly pursuing intimate relationships without looking ahead and trying to predict where it will end up. If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself in unknown territory.
Chief started learning pickup and seduction in 2003. He has extensive experience in not only dating plenty of wonderful women, but also in teaching other men how to be successful in their love lives. His views on seduction and dating have been largely influenced by his experience as a musical performer, American culture, and Zen Buddhism. [Read More …]
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Work Out Your Love Muscles!
“Love” isn’t so narrowly defined as most people think.
I just had an interesting conversation with one of my friends about the nature of love, and it made me re-evaluate and remind myself as to why I’m teaching this pickup stuff.
These days, we human beings desperately need to exercise love, but perhaps not in the way that most people think.
My friend approached me asking for advice about a situation in which he felt absolutely smitten with a girl, but there were some certain conditions that would have made it extremely inconvenient for him to be in a relationship with her. He was thinking about moving to a different country; common sense tells us that long distance relationships aren’t exactly ideal.
He was already thinking about possibilities for a classic “relationship” with this girl, but he barely even knew her. They were just acquaintances with a mutual friend. I told him, “In my professional opinion, it’s pointless to think about prospects for a relationship if you haven’t already exchanged for-sure signs of mutual interest that are rooted in some form of physical intimacy. You’re thinking too far ahead, and it’s causing you needless worry.”
While he agreed that he was thinking too far ahead, the “physical intimacy” part of my advice sparked a deeper discussion.
My friend, as well as most people, tend to see romance and sexual relations as black and white. Either you’re not in a relationship and therefore not having sex, or you’re in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, and therefore having sex with the person that you love. Many consider it immoral to have sex with someone you do not love.
I used to think that people only considered loveless sex as “immoral” or “just not right” for religious reasons, but I’ve learned that that’s not exactly true. Personal experience largely indifferent to religious influences has led me to a similar conclusion. As a pickup artist, I learned time and time again that having sex with a girl too soon simply doesn’t feel as good as having sex after getting to know and appreciate her a bit. They say that women need an emotional connection to fully enjoy sex, but I think that holds true for men as well.
That being said, however, I don’t think it’s healthy for people to limit themselves by strictly categorizing conditions for love and to behave according to such categorizations. My personal experience as a pickup artist has also taught me that love comes in many different shapes and sizes, and that “no strings attached” actually means “strings of a different nature.” These different strings promise different things and come with different expectations, and many of these areas of love exist outside of conventional relationships.
Those who stop themselves from entering into some sort of romantic or sexual relationship just because they cannot imagine themselves being in a conventional relationship are robbing themselves of a valuable opportunity to learn and experience the full nature of love.
Additionally, it is arrogant of us to try and label everything like “relationship” and “open relationship” and “friends with benefits.” The real nature of love and romance is that a relationship between two lovers usually falls within a grey area between those landmarks we label. Why give it name? Just love.
My friend had no ill intentions. He didn’t want to have sex out of misogynistic spite. He wasn’t trying to bolster his ego. He didn’t want to “play” the girl he was interested in. He simply liked her.
I think that’s the best reason to make a move… even if it doesn’t end up in anything conventional.
As John Lennon once said, “We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.”
I’m no hippie but I think people need to exercise love. It’s like a muscle that none of us develop enough. We sometimes stop ourselves from loving because we are afraid that the result will be unconventional, that the type of relationship we develop with the other person will be “too complicated.”
The truth is, though, that any matters of the heart will always feel complicated. Any matters you are passionate about will always feel complicated. The only times these matters don’t feel complicated are when they aren’t even worth our time.
So, start working out those “love muscles” more by fearlessly pursuing intimate relationships without looking ahead and trying to predict where it will end up. If you’re lucky, you’ll find yourself in unknown territory.
Chief