What Men and Women Want

What Men and Women Want

It’s commonly said that “Men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love.”

We see it every day; many men pretend to want committed, romantic relationships through promises of undying desire in order to coax open the legs of women while many women sexually tease and sleep with men in an attempt to trap them into relationships that evolve into a loving bond.

Does that sound about right to you? Yes?

Well, it shouldn’t.

This whole system revolves around a bunch of lies stacked upon lies. We’re lying to each other and we’re lying to ourselves.

Patriarchal society has conditioned both men and women to believe that a woman’s value as a human being is lessened by each man she sleeps with, while a man’s value as a human being is increased by each woman he sleeps with. We’re taught that women don’t want sex; they just want loving relationships. We’re taught that men don’t want loving relationships; they just want sex.

Lies. All lies.

Everyone wants sex, and everyone wants love. That’s the truth.

We pickup artists already know about the Madonna/whore complex. We are well-aware that women want to get laid just like the rest of us, but I think a lot of us are missing half the picture here.

We men want loving relationships, too!

Many of us have tricked ourselves into believing that we don’t, just as many women have truly bought into the lie that sex is a bad thing for them.

And then there are those who think love is a morally superior and mutually exclusive goal to sex because society has cheapened sex by demonizing it while romanticizing… well, romance. Hollywood taught us that the teenagers who have sex are tragically yet rightfully (in its own twisted way) murdered by Jason closer to the beginning of the Friday the 13th movie while the pure protagonist duo seeking love in the last rom-com you saw are glorified with the highest of implicit honors. We’re taught that love is deep while sex is cheap.

Sex can be just as deep as love. Look at Tantra.

Love can be just as cheap as sex. Look at Taylor Swift.

But neither sex nor love are inherently deep or cheap. They’re just things in our lives that we need. And, yes, we need both.

Just as the women who “use sex to get love” are missing out on a real enjoyment of sex, the men who “use love to get sex”are missing out on a real enjoyment of love.

Just as the women who use sex to get love need to start enjoying sex for sex, the men who use love to get sex need to start letting themselves love for love. The reason for both cases is for both men and women to fully enjoy life as nature intended together instead of pretending that there’s some zero-sum game between the sexes.

To all the ladies reading this, I know you think it would be so wonderful to keep yourself “pure” until you meet the man of your dreams. It would be great to avoid sex altogether in order to commit yourself 100% to LOVE and achieve every woman’s dream of truly being wanted and accepted. Actually, no. Fuck that. You’re chasing an illusion.

To all the fellas reading this, I know you think it would be so wonderful to sleep with three different women every week while being single and enjoying this lifestyle forever. It would be  great to avoid relationships altogether in order to commit yourself 100% to SEX and achieve every man’s dream of truly being wanted and accepted. Actually, no. Fuck that. You’re chasing an illusion.

When women fool themselves into not wanting casual sex, and when men fool themselves into not wanting meaningful relationships, both sexes lose out on the opportunity to live the way we’re meant to live: fulfilled.

The truth is, we need different experiences at different phases of our lives. Our lives are dynamic. It would be a mistake, however, to at any point close ourselves up in order to block either sex or love from entering our lives. It’s bullshit to read the first sentence from this paragraph and say “I’m at a phase in life where I don’t want ___ at all, so I will only have ___.” We always want both love and sex, even though we sometimes want one more than the other for various reasons. And completely closing yourself off from anything is almost always a poor mental health choice. I’m sure that most people would agree that open-mindedness is inherently better than closed-mindedness.

I used to close myself off from love by blocking it out of my life. I was protecting my heart by locking it up and not letting it get any fresh air while compensating with an overabundance of sexual activity. Many pickup artists have the same story.

I learned the hard way that protecting my heart like that was a terrible decision. Although I learned some valuable lessons that I am really glad to have learned, and although I had tons of naked fun, I strayed further and further from the original reason I started to learn pickup in the first place in 2003. I was just a kid back then, but I knew that I wanted love. But then I grew up in the arms of the seduction community and was taught that I wanted sex.

I struggled between the two desires for a while until I realized that these two things are not mutually exclusive. Sure, I mastered an art of maintaining a lifestyle of having plenty of Friends With Benefits; I didn’t have to commit to any sort of love while these women expected nothing of the sort from me, either. These girls and I had plenty of sex while we maintained courteous and fun friendships. It definitely didn’t feel as meaningless as one-night stands…

I thought I had a great lifestyle, but something was still missing. And that something was just one part of myself. It was something I wasn’t doing. I needed to open myself back up again. I needed to stop protecting myself.

Opening up my heart to the potential of actually falling in love with any of these girls simply made me happier.

It’s also worth noting that opening up my heart to the potential of falling in love didn’t mean I fell in love with just any and every girl I dated or slept with. That was just one half of the equation. The other half, of course, was actually meeting that special girl I really clicked with, but that’s another topic altogether. 😉

Many women have a similar story on the opposite side of the fence:
1. They close themselves off from the possibility of enjoying sex for the sake of sex because they were taught not to be sluts.
2. They jump into relationship after relationship after relationship.
3. They want to cheat at some point because they feel like they’ve never really been free before.

I’m not saying every guy went through what I went through, and I’m definitely not saying that every woman goes through those steps like I laid out, but too many men and women cause problems for themselves by closing themselves off from the many different possibilities of connecting with the opposite sex.

Connecting with the opposite sex.

That’s what it’s all about. Men and women are on the same team; we want the same things and there’s always enough of it to go around.

Spread the word.


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