In addition to my blog here, I also write for a blog called The Male Insider. While I write more detailed and thoughtful content here, I write more things geared toward fundamental pickup skills over there. If you need to brush up on the basics, I highly recommend checking it out. Here’s a sample of some things I write for The Male Insider!
6 PUA Mistakes That Kill Your Game
As you may or may not already know, there is no one method that every “pickup artist” adheres to. A lot of PUAs follow a lot of different philosophies and methodologies that oftentimes contradict each other.
This leads to a very awesome conglomeration of diverse ideas that produce meaningful discussions in forums as well as a more eclectic world where different styles of seduction suit different types of people in varying manners.
This also leads to, however, a lot of guys using methods and techniques that just don’t work for them… and some very hilarious situations where a lot of so-called PUAs constantly make the same mistakes over and over again!
A lot of guys who are in the process of learning pickup make some very common mistakes over and over, too. Here are six mistakes that you could be making when picking up women all the time:
6. “Negging” too much.
One of the most popular pickup methods teaches that you need to “neg” hot girls in order for them to feel attraction for you.
This usually entails giving a back-handed compliment or any sort of signal that you’re not actually interested in her like all those other pathetic, desperate boys trying to get in her pants are. You, on the other hand, need to stand out from the crowd somehow.
Why not play it cool by feigning disinterest?
The truth is, an appropriately timed neg can be very helpful from time to time. More often than not, however, you’ll see guys learning about negging and think that it’s the only way to “generate attraction.”
Their self-esteem is so low that they truly do not believe that women will like them for how they truly are, so they end up negging too much to the point of being just plain rude or even insulting.
A neg is useful especially when you want to maintain some sort of romantic tension by sending her “mixed signals,” but some PUAs often forget that they have to actually show some clear interest for this tension to build.
A lot of times you’ll see PUAs throwing negs at perfectly cordial girls over and over like an angst-ridden teenager throwing toilet paper rolls all over his math teacher’s lawn on Halloween. That math teacher was just doing her job, bro.
5. Too much cocky, not enough funny.
The first source I learned anything related to pickup from taught that I needed to be cocky yet funny at the same time. This particular pickup guru noticed that naturally attractive men tend to have a strong balance of cockiness and humor in their personalities (keyword: BALANCE).
Guys trying to learn this method tried adopting this unfamiliar trait of being both cocky and funny when they were previously failing in their relationships, probably because they were too modest and serious or something.
Well, here’s the problem that most guys trying to learn this “Cocky/Funny” technique run into: they’re just not funny. Or, if they actually are funny, they’re way too damn cocky and it makes you want to strangle them.
I went through this phase, too, and it was easy to tip the scales and be too cocky; I was bitter from all those previous years of rejection. So, being funny wasn’t exactly something that came naturally to me, but treating other people like crap was.
And that’s what being too cocky makes you. Crap.
4. Talking too much, touching too little.
Most pickup methods out there try to teach you the perfect things to say to women. They’ll tell you to develop your storytelling skills, embed subliminal messages in your sentences, indirectly brag about having certain attractive personality qualities, play verbal games involving bar bets and cold reads, and more.
While verbal game is a pickup fundamental, physical escalation is the most effective method of building attraction when picking up women.
Many guys do have trouble when it comes to making good conversation with women, and while it’s great that so many pickup methods teach these various ways of having fun conversations, in the end that’s all it is: conversation.
The problem is that conversation is not the crux of seduction. Touch is the key element of picking up women. Without touch, there is no seduction, no matter how verbally smooth you are. With so many pickup methods focusing so much on the “what to say” portion of seduction, the majority of pickup student miss out by talking too much and touching too little.
Pickup artists refer to the process of touch in seduction as “kino” or “kino escalation,” so it definitely is something that’s taught within the seduction community. However, it comes secondary to the verbal techniques when it should come first.
The fact that pickup teaches so much about “verbal game” and so little about kino escalation in comparison is a fundamental flaw that leads to a lot of guys wasting a lot of time trying to talk women into bed when they should be escalating in other ways instead.
3. Worrying about having “solid game.”
A lot of pickup artists will hear a story about how someone got laid without having to use any classic PUA techniques like “push-pull” or “tension loops” and discredit the seduction as not being “solid game.”
Just because the guy didn’t build comfort properly after the attraction phase, these particular PUAs think the fact that he had sex with that cute blonde girl in the club bathroom after only 30 minutes of dancing is somehow a fluke and there is nothing useful to be learned from that experience.
The truth is, something can be learned from any intimate encounters we have. None of these encounters should be discredited just because they don’t follow a linear model drawn up by some internet celebrity claiming to have the answers.
The entire concept of “solid game” is utter BS because it leads to us trying to perceive nature through the language of a man-made model… when we need to be conceptualizing our man-made models through the lessons revealed to us by nature.
That’s how we got our models in the first place, but to think of them as perfect is a fatal flaw of our imperfectly human egos.
2. Dehumanizing women.
Many men turn to the pickup arts seeking to avoid the pain of rejection while still enjoying the benefits of a healthy amount of sex. They’ve felt the pain of rejection before… and they’re bitter.
Sometimes these men will have deep-seeded misogyny; they just want to “conquer” women so that they can never have their hearts broken by women again.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not justifying this pattern of misogyny in any way and I recognize this revenge tactic as something very messed up. I hope you – the reader – can see that, too. It’s far too common to see so-called PUAs using women like practice targets as if seduction were a sport.
Real pickup artists respect women as partners by expressing an inherent and real connection through the medium of seduction… because seduction is art. Not a sport.
The ultimate purpose of seduction is to bring men and women together, but these hidden motivations based on fear and bitterness lead people in the opposite direction. Instead, be sure to stay motivated by your natural human desire to reach out and find the connection(s) that create and share a sense of wonder, beauty, and love.
1. Using ego gratification as motivation.
The number one mistake that guys learning pickup make is actually a pretty deep and rather complex issue.
Most of us, as we’re growing up, are deeply affected by social conditioning. We’re brainwashed to behave in certain ways that fit the culture we grow up in. For the most part, this is a good thing! Thanks to social conditioning, life within a community is a lot more bearable and less stressful for everyone overall.
Still, while we are fed good and helpful messages every day, we are also fed bad ones that restrict our seductive expressiveness. We grow up believing that gory violenceand guns are more socially acceptable and less shameful than deviant sex and dildos.
And, even if we have given this some serious thought and consciously realized that sex is undoubtedly morally superior to violence, we still automatically associate shame with the idea of getting caught watching pornography while it’s no big deal at all if we get caught playing a first-person shooter video game.
Most men in modern society also tend to grow up with other harmful messages that shove a sharp divide between the sexes, like the obsessive need to put beautiful women on a pedestal. These examples are just the tip of the iceberg.
Therefore, a very fundamental piece of our natural development into fully functional, sexual adult beings ends up being very underdeveloped. It’s like there’s this void in who we are, so some guys naturally gravitate toward subjects like pickup.
Somewhere along the way, though, you end up feeling like you have to protect yourself from the outside world because the outside world is a scary, judgmental place that tries to take sex away from you.
In your mind you separate yourself and your seductive side more and more from the outside world and foster the very thing that fuels your illusion of separation: your ego.
Society (the same “outside world” we separated ourselves from) never gave us validation. It never told us, “You are awesome because you are naturally sexual.”
We feel as if society took that away from us. So, many of us turn to desperately trying to validate ourselves when it comes to sex.
Women don’t have exactly the same problem that most men do because we faultily perceive through patriarchally constructed social norms that it is more difficult for men to get laid than it is for women.
We men want validation, and we think that we can finally accept ourselves for who we are if we can just convince everyone else first that we are sexually “successful.”
This mental trap is a huge problem because we end up accumulating a nerve-wrecking cognitive dissonance if we actually do end up “tricking” other people into giving us validation when we don’t even feel truly deserving of the validation in the first place; if we did then we would have validated ourselves already.
All of this manifests in the form of men trying to get laid in order to feel good aboutthemselves instead of getting laid just for the sake of getting laid and all of the natural pleasures associated with sex.
To put it simply, too many guys study and practice pickup because they want to possess seduction superpowers that feed their egos.
They motivate themselves in learning and practicing seduction with ego gratification when they should – like I said in the previous point – instead be motivated by a more natural and much simpler human desire.
Being motivated by a genuine, ego-free desire instead of the neediness that ego creates liberates you and makes you a far more effective seducer.
The path to fulfillment is riddled with illusions.
Chief
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