What I’ve Learned from 10+ Years in the Seduction Community as an Introvert

What I’ve Learned from 10+ Years in the Seduction Community as an Introvert

(For those of you unfamiliar with the “Seduction Community,” aka the “PUA community,” it refers to the collective online communities of men trying to learn how to hook up with women without making things too awkward. “PUA material” refers to any writing or practical advice for men when it comes to dating and seduction.)

As an introvert, I used to have lots of issues making me utterly useless with women.

I’ve been actively learning and practicing (then, teaching) the pickup arts ever since I stumbled upon a provincial ebook in 2003. I’ve been obsessed with learning everything this community had to offer, but I’ve noticed many unsettling things.

For example, there’s one consistent theme in all of the PUA material that I seemed to notice:

1. It was all for extroverts.

If you’re brainwashed by the PUA community, you might think that introversion is a disadvantageous habit that needs to be corrected. PUA dogma dictates that, in order to be an attractive alpha male, one must conform to a rigid set of characteristics. You need to be outgoing. You need to be social as balls. You need to dominate conversations. You need to go to lots of parties and clubs. You need to approach tons of women.

It’s great that pickup encourages prosocial behavior, but it’s terrible how PUAs simply assume that introverts who don’t conform to the “popular extrovert” lifestyle are doing something wrong.

I wanted to get good at this pickup stuff, so I sucked it up. I punished and suppressed my introverted side. It never left me, but I at least adapted to an extroverted lifestyle for a while.

I got used to clubbing. I learned how to have fun in a club. I had LOTS of fun with women in clubs, to say the least. Some of my most enjoyable hookups have been from clubs.

But I fucking hate clubbing.

Most of all, since I’m an introverted “indie” musician who’s obsessed with Nine Inch Nails, it pisses me off to no end when I hear the garbage “music” that clubs are playing and promoting. Also, all of the nonstop stimulation inside the club is something I had to learn how to tolerate and wasn’t something I naturally enjoyed.

However, getting heavily involved in pickup-related activities showed me some awesome new things. For example, I learned that:

2. There is a pretty big difference between introverts and extroverts.

irst of all, introversion isn’t just some fucking habit. I actually feel better and more energetic after I spend some time by myself. I’d much rather go to the gym alone rather than playing on a sports team, and it’s not because of anything related to fear. It took me a long time to realize that there’s nothing wrong with the way that I was. There’s nothing wrong with being introverted.

There are many kinds of people in this world. Some are shorter (like me), and some are taller. Some are more creative and some are more academic. Some are more passionate and some are more apathetic. Some are more introverted and some are more extroverted.

Extroverts get all of the attention and praise in both mainstream society and in the pickup community, and the heavy promotion of extroverted behavior from pickup really reveals the stark differences between the naturally extroverted guy who pick up on all the material really fast and the introverted guy who takes some more time “in his head.”

The de facto institutions set in place in pickup forums and “lairs” make it really hard for introverts to get anywhere. The way that the gurus teach pickup let extroverts excel A LOT just so they can say “Hey, look how great my student is doing! I must be an amazing teacher!” while they ignore the struggling introvert and accuse him of being a “Keyboard Jockey.”

We demonize introverts, so they’re pretty damn easy to spot in pickup communities.

And, since we demonize introversion in general, I took a really damn long time to get good at what I do since I was fighting my inherent nature at the same time. I’m really good at pickup now, but it’s been a goddamn DECADE.

I eventually realized that introversion is a natural part of who I am and that it’s not a bad thing at all. It doesn’t have to be a disadvantage in pickup. On the contrary:

3. Introversion can actually be an advantage in pickup.

After I got good at pickup, dating, seduction, etc., I was able to bend the rules to make pickup work for me in whatever ways I wanted to. It’s because, even though I went about it in a really roundabout way, I mastered the fundamentals.

So I slowly discovered the shortcuts to make seduction work for introverts and – believe me – seduction can work REALLY well for us introverts.

For example, a lot of introverted guys have this small limiting belief that they suck at talking to women, but once that limiting belief is taken care of with a little bit of inner game maintenance, we can craft incredible conversations on the spot with women because of our natural tendency to be better at active listening than our extroverted counterparts.

There needed to a voice to represent and guide the introverts in the seduction community. There needed to be a resource tailored specifically to help introverts.

So, I decided to be that voice. I decided to make that resource.

I’ve prepared a small presentation about this new program I made called Seductive Introvert.

If you’re an introvert, I hope you appreciate this work I’ve created. Watch this when you have about 15 minutes or so to kill:

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  1. Wow,

    I can relate on so many levels. Where to being? I’m also an introvert who has also spent about 10+ years try to get out of his shell because then I’ll become “happy”

    If I could only slap myself back then. Funny how crystal clear things are now for now. Can’t stand clubs either. The people there are all extrovert and usually drunks or druggies. Not exactly what I want to associate myself with. But I still want to be able to pickup casually, enjoyable, and in my own way.

    Have you read the book “Quiet: the Power of Introverts”? She talks a great deal about introverts recharging their batteries best when they are alone. Another thing she notes which applies to me, is I actually enjoy one-on-one conversation but become more quiet the larger the group becomes.

    I do believe introverts do need to learn how to be outgoing (but not necessarily extrovert) in certain situations. But these skills can be picked up over time and gradually.

    Hope I hear more from you,

  2. Hi there! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you
    if that would be ok. I’m definitely enjoying
    your blog and look forward to new updates.

  3. Agree 100% that the community focuses on extroversion MUCH to the detriment of introverts.

    I particularly find this in the kind of advice given about approach anxiety. I struggled with all kinds of social anxiety issues for years before I read “The Positive Power of Negative Thinking” and found out about a lot of exposure-based therapy techniques. All of the positive thinking, affirmations, “just don’t over-think things,” etc. got me nowhere. When I finally decided to try the EXACT OPPOSITE of all of that advice was when I started seeing results. And I agree with your points about outer game as well. Introverts are far better listeners, and one thing women (and everybody, really) love is to be genuinely LISTENED TO and UNDERSTOOD.

    Thanks for the good post.

  4. I completely identify with your experience and I’m glad to find more like-minded people. I started a blog a while back and I’m now looking to see if there are any others people with similar experiences.

    Like you I started years ago, I followed all the standard advice and made it work for me eventually. But it was draining and I did not enjoy the process.

    Finally I decided to do things in a way that felt more natural to me.

    And what to do you know, all of a sudden success came much easier with better quality!

    There is definitely a bias against introversion in society and especially in the mens dating scene which results in a lot of bad advice.

    And to be honest there are people who are shy people who call themselves introverts, which is wrong.

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