There are many ways that modern society influences us negatively when it comes to women and dating. Fortunately, the pickup artist community seeks to undo the damage in order to turn men into men again, but many PUAs are oddly unspecific in terms of identifying what damage society actually does. I’m here to be specific.
1. “The first rule of Fight Club…”
The first and second rules of Fight Club are both “You do not talk about Fight Club.”
The first and second rules for men when it comes to dating and relationships seem to be “You do not talk about dating and relationships.”
Most men today have tacitly agreed that the subject of dating and relationships is not something that a “real man” would seek help with, let alone read a book about. And, generally speaking, it appears as though it is unmanly to get help or support with anything at all.
While it is true that a real man gets things done without having his hand held throughout his whole life, the fact of the matter is that we could all use a little bit of help every now and then, especially if it’s something that we are bad at. While society defines an integral aspect of masculinity as something too individualistic, we suffer the consequences of these societal standards through the lack of dating dialogue.
I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I have personally been ridiculed for my interest in the subject of pickup. Men aren’t “supposed” to learn about making themselves more attractive.
Women have a very strong and widely accepted community of dating help – every magazine targeted toward women has tons of articles about dating. They talk to each other all the time about the men they’re seeing and they support each other with valuable knowledge and advice. We men, however, have mostly just been on our own.
2. Male guilt
A lot of guys in the pickup artist community blame feminists for emasculating and disempowering men. I used to be one of those guys, until I learned more about what it actually means to be a pickup artist – someone who actually understands women.
Those bitter and resentful guys do have a point, though. The zero-sum game attitudes of feminism’s second wave had sought to undermine male societal hegemony in an attempt to shift the balance of power. The indirect casualties of this gender war included the common man’s sense of masculinity. In today’s western world, a lot of guys have become confused about what it means to be a man, and they constantly feel barraged by force-fed guilt from feminist messages.
What this has led to is a widespread male guilt. Not everyone experiences it, but many boys do. A lot of us grew up believing that handing over all of our power to women is the right thing to do. We grew up believing that we should fear women and respect them more than we respect ourselves because being a confident male who takes what he wants in life is old-fashioned and outdated in the same immoral way racism is old-fashioned and outdated.
Being forced to feel guilt simply for being born with a penis is unjust, and it messed a lot of us up. It made us put women on a pedestal and undermined our self-esteem, making us pathetically unconfident and utterly incompetent in the dating world.
This is why a lot of guys became resentful and misogynistic upon learning some stuff from the seduction community, and I was no exception. Fortunately, I eventually learned many things to turn my bitterness into compassion, like the fact that I was wrongfully generalizing women just like the second wave feminists generalized and blamed men as a whole.
3. Sexual shame
This one ties in pretty closely with male guilt. You know what I’m talking about – “All men are perverts who only think with their penises!” More specifically, though, we are conditioned to be shameful of any sexual expressions that may “offend” anyone.
In most cultures of the world today, a twisted sense of so-called morality has overtaken the general public’s perception of sex. We teach children that hate is more acceptable than love by covering their eyes when intimate scenes appear on TV while implicitly teaching them that violence in media is no big deal. We scold our children for becoming sexually curious and teach them to feel shame for their natural drives.
Kids play “Doctor.” Men want women. Women want men. Sexuality is natural, yet we’ve repressed our own sexual expressiveness and damaged our own states of sexual mental health. We’ve spent years and years trying not to be sexually expressive, and that muscle of sexual expression has atrophied to the point where it can’t even do a single sexual-expression push-up.
We as a society have tricked ourselves into believing that sexual expressiveness is offensive, which makes absolutely no fucking sense if you think about it. “You are stupid” is offensive. “Every person of your race behaves in this ignorant way” is offensive. “Certain maternal members of your immediate family constantly demonstrate a lack of integrity by practicing infidelity on a regular basis” is offensive. “I want to have sex with you” is not offensive. It’s actually quite flattering.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, sexual shame makes you suck with women because you need to be naturally – and shamelessly- sexually expressive in order to be an effective seducer.
4. The media promises that you will be with a hot supermodel someday
This one is a little complex, so be sure to stay with me on this one.
Look at your average commercial targeted toward young men. The message is usually something along the lines of, “Buy this product and hot women will throw themselves at you!” Axe (known as “Lynx” in Europe, I believe) body spray plays this up in their ads so much that it’s downright comical. Aside from commercials, look at every Hollywood movie ever. The story usually involves a male protagonist that does something that results in him getting together with the very, very attractive female protagonist at the end of the movie. The message is, “Your reward for accomplishing anything is a hot woman!”
All of these messages that we grow up with culminate in a deeply rooted belief that we deserve to have hot women. As Cracked.com writer David Wong puts it:
But we, as the audience, know that in the end the hero will “get the girl,” just as we know that at the end of the month we’re going to “get our paycheck.” … From birth we’re taught that we’re owed a beautiful girl. We all think of ourselves as the hero of our own story, and we all (whether we admit it or not) think we’re heroes for just getting through our day.
This mentality makes us objectify and commodify women. Not only is this morally reprehensible, but it also makes it inherently more difficult for us to connect with women. It makes it harder for us to relate with them. It makes us give off that “creepy” vibe. It makes us suck with women.
Now, with all that said and done, there’s something else I need to tell you.
Something much more important than all of the things on this list.
Blaming society and other people for turning you into a loser isn’t going to make you cool, and it certainly isn’t going to bring you any sort of justice. It’s important to recognize the specific external influences that negatively impacted you, but in the end the only thing that will do you any good will be to move on and go forward with the new information you have learned instead of looking back and dwelling on the past.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that you need to forget everything you just read. On the contrary, all of this information is important for you to know so that you’re better prepared for the future. However, don’t let that leave a bitter taste in your mouth. This world and the society you live in is actually a pretty damn great place. There’s just room for improvement.
That improvement begins with you.